16 April 2006

Dear Diary...

Well, I mean that's what most of this stuff is, no?

Okay, Diary - ol' pal, let me bring you up to speed since my escape from LA.

The back is slowly growing worse - but that was to be expected. There's neither a cure nor effective treatment for Adhesive Arachnoiditis. What's caught me a little by surprize was the effect of the drugs - which have been many and diverse. The latest batch was making me so dried out that my tongue was getting seriously stuck to the rook of my mouth and the Methadone made me so dopey that I actually got tagged for speeding - TWICE in as many weeks!

I backed off on both drugs - and got another bad surprize. The Methadone reduction got me a little clarity but cutting the psych drug in half threw me into a panic.

The psych drug is a serious anti-anxiety pill and, while I hadn't been anxious, the side effect was a change in the way pain is dealt with. Since nothing seems to reduce the pain, this stuff make you not care so much about it. Sort of a "Yes, it still hurts like a sumbitch but I have other things to do today" deal.

Dropping the dosage brought on a grade a panic attack. I was immediately scared to death to be out of bed. Some unnamed something was lurking nearby and even thinking of doing anything brought a vived picture of how awful, painful, embarrasing and irreversable the many bad outcomes from that activity.

It was really horrible. After four days of hiding I had to give up and call the prescriber who told me to shut up and get back on the drugs. So I pumped my self back to 3/4 of the dosage - where I remain.

It was just a taste of real mental illness but man, it was a doozie. As soon as it's far enough behind me, I'll try tapering s-l-o-w-l-y off. I'd give up and just take it but for the perpetual dry mouth (well... dry everything really) and the muscle stiffness that goes along with it.

Anyway, we're about a week and a half from the new baby's scheduled arrival - which, of course, is producing understandable anxiety... so now is not the time to -potentially- magnify it with withdrawl.

I am so sick of being defective that I could just scream. I'm still walking with the cane that I thought I wouldn't need more than a week or two after surgery. But I am hopeful that the VA will authorize a new treatment plan which will include a couple massages a week here in Lawrence - instead of making me drive into Topeka.

They're also supposed to install a new patio door and pain the house in the next week or so... so it'll feel a little like everything is new here for our new arrival.

I'll try to write a couple more entries before... well, who knows.

05 April 2006

Long quiet

Sorry for the long quiet... I hope to write a little something in the next day or two and just needed to make sure my dashboard was still working.